Things My Dad Says
No introduction needed - this is simply my Dad.
Me: "Dad, do you have mouse traps?? I think I just saw a mouse!"
Dad: "Go to bed."
Family exits vehicle.
Dad: "Where are my keys?"
Me: "Dad, the car is still running."
Me: "Less than 5% of the population has the same blood type as Roger and I."
Dad: "You better sell that shit."
Dad: "Goodnight guys!"
Kayla: "Night Dad!"
Dad: "I'm talking to the birds."
Dad: "That's what we are going to do. I'm going to buy a sailboat and we are all going to sail around the world until we die."
Me: "I need to see The Walking Dead."
Dad: "I see them every morning."
Me: "You watch The Walking Dead??"
Mom: Raises hand and frowns. "He means me."
Dad: "Are you up??"
Me: In bed. "Yes?"
Dad: "Go make sure the fridge door is closed."
Dad: "I'm bringing a stripper... ME."
Dad: "Nuahhhh, nuahhhhhhhhhh"
Watching "Prometheus" trailer:
Dad: "This is just like Alien. Wait.... wait! It's another people! It's another people!
Me: "You mean colony?"
Dad: "You can't refund tattoos Kayla!"
Every time a monkey did something smart in Planet of the Apes:
Dad: "Come on! Monkeys can't do that!"
Dad: "Give him a slow death, a slow one. Make it last a year or more."
Scene in movie: French spy gets shot multiple times, manages to drive away, crashes through a brick wall.
Me: "Did he just drive through a brick wall??"
Roger: "Must have been an old wall."
Dad (completely serious): "Mannn, this movie is deep."
Dad slides down a staircase railing at a school he's doing a job at.
Teacher: "What are you doing?! You're setting a great example for the kids.
Dad: "I couldn't help myself."
Me: "You need to stop using my shaving cream."
Dad: "But it's so soft."
Dad: "You need to find a guy like that Kayla."
Me: Looks up and sees Prince William on the screen.
In reference to Don Draper in Mad Men:
Dad: "My life was just like that. Except my Mom wasn't a prostitute."
And then that other time we saw Mad Men:
Dad: "They are all man-whores."
Dad: "So I told Rick I'd set him up with a blind date. But I said, 'Rick, I have to warn you, she is blind.' Haaaahaaaaaa".
Dad: "It's got a lifetime warranty on it. That talks right there."