A Confession of Love and Friendship

Dear ________,

I have to confess that you were my first real friendship, and my first heartbreak. We were 8 year olds when they assigned your seat next to me on your first day in class. I was the only Hispanic girl, you were the only Asian boy. I couldn’t stop looking at you. You looked different, you looked interesting, and we were basically the only dark-haired children in that room. Although intrigued, I was shy and kept to myself. You were quiet at first too, but then you started to make funny jokes and would draw silly comics to share with me. You made me laugh, which no one ever accomplished in that school. Obviously, the teacher noticed and scolded you because I had to stay a good girl. I had to keep my head down and my mouth shut. Not that anyone else was, but that is how I always was and the way things were. Change was disruption in their eyes before they could decide if it was good or bad.

That didn’t stop you and those few months were the happiest I had in that school. I still feel the warmth of my blushes when I smiled and laughed at your silliness, and I still feel the excitement of belonging and connecting with someone other than my dolls at home. When you made fun of the teacher, I’d get scared and worried that someone would overhear. But realizing no one did, I’d giggle like the little girl I was. Some classmates would glare when they saw us laughing, especially that one girl. She was particularly mean one day and made fun of you. I don’t recall what she said, but I remember you looking at your feet and appearing defeated. It made me angry, but I didn’t want to give her another reason to steal my lunch snacks again.

Eventually you kept getting us both in trouble for talking too much - bolder, even I was starting to disrupt the class. But I didn’t care. It was a relief not to be scared anymore - especially having you as my anchor. Then one day, you weren’t in class. I looked over at your desk every day, hoping you’d magically reappear or pop out of the coat closet. You never did. So at last, I walked up to the teacher (which felt like walking up the plank) and asked where you were. They told me you transferred to another school. I wanted to crumple to the ground and cry. Instead, I slowly walked back to my desk in shock thinking how something so meaningful could end that abruptly.

Even then, I knew it wasn’t your fault, but we didn’t even get to say good-bye. What’s worse is that, to this day, my heart breaks a little more every time I try to recall your name. I can’t remember and sometimes I worry I just made you up in my head. Even so, it felt real enough and meant everything to me.

To my nameless childhood friend, although you broke my little 8 year old heart, thank you for teaching me the beginnings of love with your friendship.