When I Grow Up

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

The dreadful question is always exhausting to answer. I’ve known two people that knew exactly what they wanted to be as a child and, come adulthood, achieved it. I was envious of them for a long time- how did they make it look so easy? But these are some of my closest friends and I shouldn’t be jealous of their seemingly awesome powers at being so decisive in life.

The answer to the question really depended on what point of my life it was asked. It was usually asked by adults that felt like they had some sort of sage advice to offer- commonly Teachers, Dentists, or some stranger in a shopping line:

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Small-child Kayla, that didn’t know any better because she’s a small child, would say, “An astronaut!”

I must have seen a space cartoon that day. Any other day and my response could have just as easily been a “Deep sea explorer” or a “Zookeeper”. But the point is, my little mind wasn’t thinking about the future, I was thinking about that cartoon.

Given that is probably true for all children, let’s ask Kayla that same question when she was in middle school.

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

“A backup dancer in music videos.” I was a bit self-absorbed those days. That dream quickly withered away after an attempt to go to cheerleading tryouts after school one day. You read that right, an attempt. As soon as I heard the Spice Girls blaring in the auditorium, I darted towards the doors like my life depended on it, out of the building, never looking back. Shortly after, I saw the movie “Selena”, and I suddenly wanted to become a fashion designer. It seems that small child in me was still around.

Let’s move on to high school.

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

“I want to be a Forensic Scientist.” I’m not exactly sure how sketching dresses turned into criminal science, but there really is no limit to our imaginations. The sciences were now in fashion. I wanted to discover and I wanted to help others -I was done thinking about myself (thank goodness).

Yet, in high school, you’re still not really thinking about preparing for the future - it’s so far away! You need to focus on the present - you need to focus on boys and, yeah, pretty much just boys. Then, all of a sudden testing and college admissions are in the mix, and your parents start sinking in the claws of reality.

I’ll never forget the day my Dad and I went to a seminar on Forensic Science at the Museum of Science and Industry. It wasn’t a very motivational seminar because I recall us walking away complaining how much schooling was required for a pathetic salary at the end. At least, I remember my Dad complaining. Basically, he explained it wasn’t worth it. We’d be paying so much for school and I wouldn’t be making any money for it. Did I fight back? Of course not. My Dad was an adult and knew better than me.

I love my Dad very much, but he did not know better than me. I should have followed my instincts and stuck with the sciences, but ended up studying business in college. According to my Dad, “that’s where the money was”, and “I could only be happy if I had money”. You might think that my Dad was a roadblock in fulfilling my dreams, but he just grew up differently and had a different mindset. It wasn’t his fault that he never had the resources I had because of him and my Mom. I was lucky and fortunate - I wish I had realized it then.

Lo’ and behold, it wasn’t just my Dad that had opinions. After enrolling into the College of Business and getting accepted, I immediately regretted it. I had a moment of bravado to call the college and tell them, “I don’t want to study business! I demand to be switched to a different major!” This was it. I was about to do something I’d look back on years later, thinking “That was one of the most pivotal moments of my life…”.

I sat on my bedroom floor, called the college and twirled the phone cord as it rang on the other end. Someone picked up and I explained (much more timidly than I had planned) that I had changed my mind. The student on the phone handed the phone off to someone more senior since she didn’t know what to do. A more mature, man’s voice started speaking:

“Hello, this is the Dean of the College of Business. I just want to say that it’s very hard to be accepted into this college, and I think you’re making a big mistake.”

Whoooo says that????

Needless to say, I cowered. Now, this guy must know what he is talking about, so I remained in the College of Business. Midway through my junior year, I realized he was also wrong. And if I’m being honest, it probably wasn’t even the actual dean on the phone.

This was definitely it. I dropped out of my classes, and stormed off to switch my major. I was so desperate, I didn’t even care if it took extra years to graduate. I sat in the counselor’s office, and as we filled out the paperwork, she asked me,

“So what do you want to be when you grow up?”

Okay, she didn’t ask that specifically. She probably asked what I wanted to study - but it’s basically another version of that question. I was dumbstruck. I was so intent on leaving business, I didn’t even think about my alternatives. It was completely up to me and it was terrifying. I still had absolutely no clue what I wanted to be when I grew up. Zilch.

In that frozen moment of time, I promised myself to finish college doing something I actually enjoyed doing - reading. All I had read in the past 3 years were books on management, communication, business plans - I never had time to read anything enjoyable. Reading was such a huge part of my life before college, as I was previously an avid reader and writer. The longing deepened when I realized it was within my grasp and that’s how I became an English Lit major. Within the next year and a half, I read about 3-5 books every week to complete my degree on time. That may sound like hell to you, but I was in a heavenly bliss.

So at different points in my life I was asked the same, dreadful question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” and I always gave a different answer:

an Astronaut, back-up dancer, fashion designer, forensic scientist, brain surgeon, paleontologist, teacher, full-time mother, hotel manager, entrepreneur, photographer, journalist, board game designer, writer - just to name a few.

I’m 33 years old now, but it was only a couple years ago, right when I was living my life and feeling really good about it, when I was asked a more mature version of The Question. I believe that person had asked me, “What are you passionate about?”. In those moments, my happiness all came tumbling down. Why? Because I still could not answer that question. I stared at him blankly and eventually mumbled, “Er… I wouldn’t say I’m passionate about anything.” I wasn’t passionate about anything?! Was that even true? I cried myself to sleep that night hoping it wasn’t.

I woke up the next day thinking, enough was enough. I decided to approach this rationally and asked myself why I’d get so upset when I was asked this question. This was my response: to me, not being able to answer meant:

I was indecisive

I wasn’t passionate

I had no drive

I didn’t care

I wasn’t good enough

I was boring.

These were the thoughts that blazed through my head when I asked myself this. I had this belief that you should first be confident in what you want and then you pursue that dream. But why did I believe that? I knew based on my own bubble of friends and family that no one (excepting the two mentioned earlier) really knew what they wanted. That is less than 1% of the people I know!

Based on my newly found stats, I decided to try flipping this around. How has being indecisive made a positive impact on my life? It helped me to redefine the word:

Indecisive

in·de·ci·sive (adj):

Passionate to try new things and explore possibilities

Now, with my new definition, I can say that being indecisive has driven me to learn new things that can be applied to real life scenarios. I didn’t end up being a back-up dancer, but with all that practice I can jump on a dance floor and keep a beat. I didn’t become a fashion designer, but I do know how to sew up tears and make hats. I didn’t become a brain surgeon, a paleontologist, or an astronaut, but that hasn’t stopped me from reading all I can on space, the human body, and dinosaurs (I can safely say I’m a good candidate for trivia nights).

So, what do I want to be when I grow up? Today it may be nothing, tomorrow it may be everything - I may not ever know and I’m happy with that.